


Plans in Alphabet Formation

by Nocturnal_Daydreams



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Crack, Funny, Hilarity Ensues, Interrogation, Miscommunication, POV Alternating, Secrets, Silly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-10
Updated: 2020-11-10
Packaged: 2021-03-08 18:42:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,760
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27491395
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nocturnal_Daydreams/pseuds/Nocturnal_Daydreams
Summary: Jester asks Veth where to get Plan B - or as it's called in Nichodranas - Planeb. Then runs off, leaving Veth asking who could possibly be the guy and as the world's greatest detective has decided to interrogate everyone she sees - and of course, hilarity ensues.
Relationships: Beauregard Lionett/Yasha, Jester Lavorre/Caleb Widogast, Yeza Brenatto/Nott | Veth Brenatto
Comments: 16
Kudos: 87





	Plans in Alphabet Formation

The Mighty Nein were having a real, honest-to-goodness, holiday.

They had been through a lot over the last year and their next big tasks were likely to take a long time so they had decided to take a week or two off, meeting each other as they liked but no missions.

It was close to the end of the first week and they were due to meet up for a meal tonight at the Lavish Chateau as always. 

Veth had been ecstatic, every few days that her and Yeza had had alone or with their brilliant little Luc had been interrupted every time by a mission. She much preferred her interruptions to be of the happy variety. She’d loved having time back with her husband and son and the last 2 days had gone without any interruption at all which gave them all the time they needed to treat themselves. If she was given a few more weeks she would be chomping at the bit to help her other family solve the rest of their problems or even to go on small jobs with her family in tow, but for now she could be back at home all the hours in the world and not worry about things. This came to an end when Jester knocked at the door.

Not immediately as she knocked at the door but when she saw Jester looking nervous.

Jester may be a great many things but frequently nervous did not apply, Veth wondered how long she’d have to pack as she made her one of Cad’s teas.

“How’s your holiday?” Jester asked with forced peppiness.

“Great, fantastic actually. Do you want to tell me what’s up, Jessie?” Veth responded, handing the tea over and looking at her.

“You’re a mother.” Jester started. Veth’s brow furrowed in confusion as she nodded, “So, you know how you obviously didn’t just do it once? I mean look at the both of you. But yeah, anyway, um, oh yeah, where would you buy the thing that stops you being pregnant? Mum would know but I don’t want to have the conversation start like that right now.”

Oh…fuck.

“Jester, last we talked about this you just had your first kiss and that water harlot halted any further things for a while. Wanna talk about it?” Yeza came in where he’d laid Luc for a nap, hearing this and kept quiet.

“Much more later, after I’ve been to the shop!” Jester’s real peppiness came through, she was actually excited to tell her, which Veth was glad of, “Everyone’s been on holiday and then things happened. Then bigger things happened. Now I need that…potion, is it?”

“Yeah, yeah, it’s a potion. Called Planeb, here. Called only Col back home. Pumat Sol will have some. But an alchemist across in the harbour sells them too. Shop is called Liquidity.” Veth answered, a little in shock, the resident dirty minded virgin had been having it on without mentioning it to anyone, “Who is it?”

“Anyone we know?” Yeza asked, trying his best to be sincere and not almost laughing.

“Oh, yeah… you’ve met. Anyway, we’ll talk about it later and then bring him round.” She only looked at Veth as she said that, an odd smile on her face, “Anyway, Veth, you have ketchup on your face. I gotta go. Be back soon! Bye!”

With that she was gone. Out the door and on her way to the harbour.

“Sweetie?”

“I think I might be having a heart attack.”

“She is a young woman.”

“That first kiss was CPR. She tells us all everything, remnant of living in the Chateau, I think. Which means all this has happened in a week.”

“She’s still a young woman, dear. She’ll tell us about it soon, I’ll ask the sitter to take Luc out for an hour or two.” Yeza replied. Veth raised her eyebrows and Yeza finally laughed, “Dear, I’m not missing this for the world. Just promise me you won’t kill anyone until she’s told us all about it.”

“Okay, okay. So we’ve met him. Or I’ve met him. She was looking at me.”

“You had ketchup on your face, still do, come here.” He said although he walked over to her, sorting out the smudge on her face before softly kissing her, adding, “Calm, okay. Right, let’s go with people we both know.”

“So there’s all the Mighty Nein. The Traveller. Pumat Sol. Most Lavish Chateau employees. Randomers of Nichodranis, though you’d know most of the shopkeepers better than me. If she’s slept with the baker primarily to sneak her way into constant sweets you can bury me tomorrow. Not sure who else.”

“Okay, and who have you and Jester met, that I haven’t?”

“Between everywhere we’ve travelled I don’t know of many we don’t. All of the people at TravellerCon. Those guards from the paint job that we definitely didn’t commit. The Ball-Eater crew, Marius LePaul I think is Jester’s age… Essek, Eadwulf, not sure who else. Astrid is an instant disinclude since she’s off to Liquidity.”

“Let’s work on that then, if you were to narrow down who it could be and who you think it is – what’s that?”

“Well disincluding the girls. There’s most likely Fjord, Caduceus and Caleb. Then there’s The Traveller, the likeliest of the subjects. Then Essek, Eadwulf and Marius, then every sweet guard we’ve ever met and the Ball-Eater crew and then also most likely the baker.”

“You just gave three likeliest examples, so unless The Traveller was dressed as Fjord in a bakers outfit, one of those has to be wrong.”

“Yes, yes, Yeza, I know but…”

Another knock at the door came and Veth jumped in her seat. Yeza, reassured her then opened the door, biting the laugh that nearly came out when he saw Fjord standing awkwardly in the door. Fjord was looking down at the floor, oddly enough but he couldn’t not try and save him from his wife who was definitely already jumping to any and every conclusion, he brought a finger to his lips silently.

It wasn’t any use of course.

“Hi, Veth, can I talk? …Oh, hey, Yeza, sorry, I’m in my own world.” He finally spotted the shush sign as he finished talking. It was too late, Yeza dropped his hand.

“Fjord?” Came Veth’s voice from the other room.

As quietly as he could Yeza whispered, “Run.”

Fjord didn’t need telling twice but was already too late as Veth stepped out into the room, looking towards the door straight at Fjord.

“Course you can come in and talk. In fact, we needed to speak to you.” Veth said with a big smile and Fjord’s face which was already worried, set worse than before and came in. Yeza shook his head as he closed the door. There would be no avoiding this.

Veth didn’t say a word until they all sat. Then asked outright, “So when were you gonna tell us?”

“What do you mean?”

“Veth.”

“Okay, okay. You first, Fjord.”

“No, no, I want to know what you think I’ve done.” Fjord insisted, confused and starting to understand why Yeza had told him to run.

“Impregnated Jester!” She whisper shouted.

WHAT?!

“Dear.” Yeza warned, looking her dead in the eyes. He knew if she was on that train she’d let it run away but if he could try keep her on the rails, she’d make sense.

“Okay, not impregnated, but slept with.” Veth amended herself.

Fjord in the mean time, was still in shock, “What?!”

“Luc’s asleep.”

“What?” He repeated, quieter.

Yeza made his way out to go get the babysitter, hoping double pay would help with instant childcare. On the way he found Yasha and Beau shopping before the meal and then tomorrow they were setting off looking about local towns and cities for the next week or so they explained. Yeza in turn explained that Veth was on a rampage and Fjord would likely be the aim of such a thing. They agreed to attempt to keep her from killing the poor, surprised half-orc as he continued making his way down the streets he was beginning to know by heart.

Meanwhile, Veth was talking to… No, she was talking at Fjord.

“I can’t believe you, how long have you been keeping this affair a secret from the group?”

“I’m not having an affair.”

“I know, it’s not like you two are with other people but affairs are secret and this was secret from us.”

“Still not having an affair.”

“So, it’s a fling? You’re gonna break her heart just like that?!”

“Luc’s asleep.”

“Ah, shit… But just like that? After all that stuff with Avantika that she dealt with? You’ll break her heart?”

“No, I’m not gonna break her heart because I’m not…”

Another set of knocks on the door.

Veth went to get it.

“Yeza told us to moderate the wrestling match you’re about to have.” Beau told her.

Of course her husband would send back ups instead of letting her bury Fjord herself. His reasoning was sound and sometimes she hated that he could read her feral mind. God, she loved him.

“Fine, fine, come on in.” She ushered them into the room.

“What’s going on in here?”

“Fjord was about to explain why he jumped into the sack with Jester and was going to leave her broken hearted while she’s on her merry way to spend her own money to get Planeb.” Veth started, tutting him. The pair gasped.

“I was not about to do that because I did not come to jump in the sack with Jester.” Fjord snapped back.

“Okay, so from the beginning if you don’t mind. Where did this come from?” Yasha asked, calmly, whilst standing between Veth and Fjord.

“So Jester came over and said, you’re a mother, and you and Yeza don’t have kids every time you get it on obviously, or to that effect and asked where she could get Planeb.”

Beau was between shock and crying with laughter because it was so Jester to comment on how much the married couple got laid but the snort of laughter got their looks like they didn’t understand how it was hilarious, she attempted to compose herself, “Sorry, go on. What else did she say?”

“Hmm, well she said I’ve met him and she meant to tell us earlier but it happened pretty quickly while we’ve been on holidays.”

“Then why did you ask me how long we’d had an affair?” Fjord asked, incredulous.

“Because I kind of forgot.” Veth answered, not sheepish, nor ashamed, just matter-of-factly. For all she put through him through, he was going to get Veth back for this.

“So when did she tell you it was Fjord?” Beau enquired.

Now she was sheepish, “She didn’t.”

“She didn’t?”

“Hey, there’s Caduceus.” Yasha interrupted, using it as an excuse to stop ducking in the flat and wave at him from the balcony. She didn’t need to be in there to know who it was and she had the feeling neither did Caduceus, she waved him to come in which she saw a confused smile but he obliged. She took another moment outside to relax and saw Yeza and Aisha the babysitter walking up, the poor girl rather confused but pleased as she was counting her coins. Yeza waved, Yasha waved back and then drew a line across her neck, Yeza hurried them both in.

When Yasha walked back on to the balcony they took a moment to be like ‘huh?’ but went back on to topic, “So she didn’t say it was Fjord?”

“No, but it makes sense. She said I met him, I’ve met Fjord, she seemed happy, she used to crush on Fjord and not two minutes after Fjord came in.”

“Intriguing. Damning, almost.” Beau taunted Fjord, “But that could be coincidence. We have met a great many people.”

“That could be anyone from a sweet guard to The Traveller.” Fjord reasoned.

“Yeah, I thought it was Traveller at first.” Veth added.

“And then immediately reverted that it must have been me and I’ve been having an affair but I’m leaving her.” Fjord retorted.

“Ahh, you admit it.” Yasha replied, coming back in.

“No, I didn’t. Because I didn’t. Maybe it is the Traveller, it would make sense.”

“There is an awful lot of phallic imagery.”

“It would be like Jester to bone a not-god god and be like ‘yo got Planeb’.” Beau thought out loud.

“True.”

“Mum?” Luc’s voice came out and it seemed just in time, Caduceus, Yeza and Aisha came in. Yasha and Caduceus decided to sit in the room in hope of not knocking things over. Veth picked Luc up to kiss him on the head and got him dressed, telling him they’d all be having dinner later but they needed to talk about a mission and he could go to the theatres until then. He insisted if he had to go now that he had to give them all a hug now which was a happily obliged demand. When Luc and Aisha had left, Veth turned back to Fjord.

“I’m afraid all your excuses leave one thing unexplained. Why were you weird when you arrived?”

The girls stilled and Yeza didn’t think he needed to know the answer to know the answer but he had to admit he loved the drama his wife always ended up uncovering.

“Fjord, don’t.” Beau responded, the smile on Fjord’s face said it was far too late.

“Cause I caught them two at it in my room! I wanted to know if Yeza had any forgetting potions.”

“We didn’t know it was your room!” Yasha reasoned, blushing something fierce.

“That…just makes it weirder.” Yeza replied, keeping his laughter as quiet as possible.

“How did you not?” Veth exclaimed.

“Well, we were, in the mood and early and no one was at desk to serve us so we snuck into a room. It was before they gave Fjord the room.”

Caduceus laughed, “So, not only has he the motive for coming here and has denied ever doing such things, he also has a solid alibi if it was this morning she was potioning for.”

“Yep.”

“What about you, Caduceus?”

“I do not have an alibi of anyone seeing me this morning or for a long time over the last three days although I took Fjord shopping much earlier this week, I’m afraid.”

“But no motive, you heard himself, he’s not into that business.”

“But if things happened and escalated maybe it was that both of them needed experience to know if they liked it at all. Her being sure she would and him being sure he wouldn’t with absolutely anyone. I do make sense.”

“You’re on some real alchemy, Veth.”

“No, no she has a point.” Caduceus defended her, before continuing, “She’s wrong. But she has a point. It could be like not knowing whether I like custard before trying it. And it would kill two birds with one stone. But I’m sure, I don’t like custard or any of that business, altogether.”

Veth nodded at that and Fjord blinked in shock, she gave him the third degree but immediately accepted Caduceus’ answer.

“So you didn’t tell them how you think it’s the baker yet?” Yeza asked, unsure who they had already gone through.

“The baker?”

“Are you narrowing down from every person we’ve ever met?”

“Well of course, she’d said we’d met.”

“That list is so long and you came up with the baker?!” Beau remarked.

“Nah, Beau, see I think she’s on to something.”

“And you’re on whatever she’s on.”

“Nah, see, there is one particular reason to date the baker…”

“Ahh…” The others seemed to come to the conclusion at the same time, “Free sweets.”

Even Yasha doubted on this point, free sweets for sweet-toothed Jester may be enough especially when she had recently told Yasha, she was tired of her virginity being a big thing with her. She had reassured her, after all, it was only ever as much of a thing as you thought of it as. But she held on to what she knew. She knew what she had been seeing recently and for a long time before finally hitting fruition as they departed for the holidays, she supposed they needed the privacy to finally let each other know. After all, it had taken moments of privacy for Beau and Yasha to get themselves moving. She picked back up into the conversation when they’d began talking about a guard Jester had been particularly nice to. 

“Well, she’ll be back to tell us soon.” Yeza said as it continued derailing, hoping to remind them.

That got them all in a tizzy.

“She’s telling us as soon as she comes back?”

“Why have we been arguing if we’ll know in like an hour?”

“I still wanna know now!”

“I still think it’s – ”

Another knock on the door.

“Come in.” They all yelled out to Jester. The door creaked open and steps came down the doorway, Caleb stood in the doorway to the living room.

“Hey, I didn’t know we were meeting early. I was gonna take the Brenatto’s to a show before dinner, unless we all want to go?”

Veth, Fjord, Beau and Yeza blinked in silence as they finally considered the fact that they hadn’t considered someone who immediately not just made sense but clicked a lot of things into place. Yasha and Caduceus were on the end of holding themselves together.

Yeza was the first to recover, “No, no, come in. We’re still awaiting one, maybe we should go for a show after a meal, we have Luc seeing a show right now. Tea everyone?”

“Lucky boy. Yes, please.” He said with a small smile and undid his coat, took off his scarf and sat on the empty space in the floor, not one to be impolite. They tried to pick up conversation but all failed as Yasha spotted once again what no one else did.

“So, Caleb,” She spoke much louder than the rest of their hubbubed conversations, “Enjoy yourself?”

Everyone, all at once, looked at Yasha, then at Caleb. 

“W…what?” He stuttered.

“Your hickey. You seem to have had fun recently. Glad you finally let loose.”

There, just over the collar of his shirt, was a pretty big hickey on his neck. His hand went to the spot, he knew immediately. He knew she knew, of course, because he knew that she knew that he was ridiculously and uselessly in love with the woman in question. He stammered again, “Y…Yeah.”

Once she’d pointed it out, it was rather obvious, shadowed by the hair previously there was enough of a discolouration to see it anyway.

Fjord felt the shock of all the questions and news wash away as he asked with a grin, “Anyone we know?”

Caleb’s head turned so quick he thought he might get whiplash. Laughter erupted from Yasha and Caduceus. Another knock on the door and before a let in, a voice came through as she opened the door, “Only me, I said I’d be back to…”

Jester went from her usual blue to a royal purple instantly.

“And the record for quickest give away goes to Jester.” Beau says quietly, laughing herself.

She seemed frozen in spot for a moment before recovering, “Since I’m guessing you know why I was away, best to have it now.”

She gulped a small vial.

“So Jester, have fun this morning?” Caduceus said with the most deadpan that they all almost didn’t catch him taking the mick.

“Yes. Yes, I did.” She answered, confidently.

“Something’s not right here…” Veth’s first words came out. It didn’t seem judgemental but there was something off, she was right. Yasha hoped she didn’t mean with the pairing, overcoming themselves was hard enough without group problems.

Jester wasn’t paying attention though, she was trying to coax Caleb out of his shock, “Caleb, Schmusekater, here’s your change, thank you.”

There was a laughed sigh, “I knew something was off. He’d never have her pay for something he did. He’s a good boy.”

“Oh, I get the third degree for not doing something and Caleb gets off scott free, I see how it is.” Fjord called out good-heartedly.

“You keep it, Liebling.” Caleb finally came back to himself with Fjord’s shout and heard his Jester beside him.

“Yes, I don’t see you giving her money.”

“I didn’t do anything.”

“Well, you did come in that room with that sailor.”

“Which you two scared away by doing it in my room!”

“Well, good for her, getting away while she could. Not your type anyway.”

During this time, Jester had been pushing the money to Caleb only to be refused every time, no words, just quick motioned back and forths until Jester had had enough. She used one hand to hold the other open and kissed him soundly as she pressed the coins into his hand. As she pulled back she gave a cheeky smile and said, “Caleb, take the damn money.”

A dazed, lovesick look adorned his face which became obvious to the others they had seen a lot on him, but this one had more smile to it, if not a full smile as he nodded and closed his hand round the money putting it in a pocket, “Okay, love.”

“Okay, how had we not figured out that before?”

Caleb blinked quickly in succession for a moment and was back in the real world, answering, “Some of you did.”

Yasha and Caduceus did quick thumbs up and a new shock covered the room as they began to argue again. Jester settled into Caleb as they sat together hand in hand, her head resting on his shoulder. Caleb whispered, “You know, I’m gonna find a way to give you every coin I have.”

“That’s the plan, I’ve been luring you into a false sense of security.”

“You are my sense of security.”

Softly, she whispered, “Mein leiber…you’re interrupting my gossip line.”

“You’re getting really getting good at that Zemnian, Blueberry, but you will find it’s you interrupting mine.” He replied and watched her smile as she rolled her eyes. She was ready to rant until the cows came home about how she and Caleb finally knocked their heads together and realised they had a chance, which she could see they were raring to ask, just as soon as she found out what indeed had happened at the hotel room.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not even gonna explain myself, I just hope it makes you laugh.


End file.
